As parents, we have the natural desire to protect our children. When they cry as babies, we pick them up and soothe them, telling them everything will be OK. As they get older, we may try to distract them with a favorite toy or fix their problem, so they feel better. Although these are natural parental urges, they do not help children learn to accept and move through big feelings. Anger and sadness are part of life and learning to handle upset helps us to be emotionally healthy and find more joy in life.
My son and daughter are no longer children, but as they reach young adulthood, I look back at the many emotional challenges they went through during childhood and adolescence. Although they were often typical for their age, I struggled to figure out how to guide and coach them through big emotions. At times, I was overwhelmed with my own emotional struggles.
In an article by Katie McLaughlin, she uses a tunnel analogy to talk about parenting children with big feelings and helping them build resilience. This analogy resonates with me. She writes, “Difficult feelings are tunnels, and we are trains traveling through them. We have to move all the way through the darkness to get to the…calm peaceful light at the end.” Where we go wrong as well-meaning parents is trying to talk our children out of their feelings, rescue them, or discount their emotions by saying everything will be OK. Of course, it hurts to see our children in pain, but we are missing out on teaching them to be resilient. The voice we use with them becomes their inner voice as they grow into adulthood. We want them to feel safe and loved as they move through their tunnel of big emotions comforted by the knowledge that emotions pass.
McLaughlin explains that adults don’t always move all the way through the “tunnel”. We try to hide by saying everything is fine when it isn’t, or we use distractions like food, shopping, and alcohol. When we can accept and release our feelings, we feel better. I want to help myself and my loved ones move through our “tunnels”. I commit to remembering that expressing big feelings is not a sign of failure but instead of success. When I allow myself to feel, I can handle the discomfort of other’s big feelings. I can empathize and allow life’s natural consequences and lessons to take place while supporting children through the emotional tunnel.
My prayer for all of us is that we will recognize that emotions pass, and big feelings are a part of life, helping us to heal, and become more resilient. Instead of distracting our children or rescuing them from their feelings, we can help by being self-regulated, giving them both a sense of safety and being heard and seen, as they move through the tunnel. Gigi Khalsa, Head of School
Gigi Khalsa, Head of School